Never Forgotten
by metal goat
Summary: Raito can never seem to forget L, no matter how hard he tries... LRaito, some RaitoMisa. Spoilers for Ch.58. Shounenai. Oneshot


Never Forgotten

9/9

Death Note belongs to its respective owners

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Raito can never forget L. He tries to, he really does, but L just won't seem to leave him.

Most of them time it's manageable, with L in the corner of mind, just out of reach of remembrance but also out of reach of being completely forgotten. The thought of L will flit around like a bat, crossing back and forth between the line of conscious and subconscious, taunting Raito to try and catch him. And once Raito _does_ try and grab him, try to bring him back, L will disappear and not come back for the rest of the day, though Raito will always be left with a feeling of intense longing.

Sometimes it's worse than others, like when he's feeling especially paranoid, and he just _knows_ that L has his piercing gaze on him, the one when Raito looks straight into it, he feels completely naked and vulnerable, like L can see right through him and into the very depths of his soul. He'll whip around, half expecting L to be right there in his signature stance of having his legs pulled up to his chin and chewing his thumb, or maybe having some tea with too much sugar or a box of chocolates. And then L's not there, so Raito turns back to his work, grateful that no one is ever there to witness his occasional (though more than he would like to admit) bouts of paranoia. And then he'll just _feel_ L's presence, like back when they were working on the Kira case together, staying up late, completely silent, with only the soft hum of the computers and the occasional crinkle of a candy wrapper from L as noise.

But the worst is when he's with Misa. While he's kissing her, he's trying to concentrate on her and only her, but his mind will wander over to L, no matter how much he doesn't want to. And it'll become surprisingly easy to imagine the fine, silky, golden-blonde hair in between his fingers as dark, greasy hair that's rarely brushed and easy to get his hands caught in. And it's even easier to change the smell of perfume into a more musky scent, and the soft, curvy body to one that is more sinewy and lean, which was surprising considering how many sweets L used to eat. But it's the easiest to change the high-pitched moans and gasps and cries of his name to a lower, scratchier pitch, one that was always oddly enticing. And he'll forget that he's with Misa, he'll forget that he's ever been with Misa, and will only remember the time they had together and the things they did together and just L and nothing more. Just L.

And in the after glow of it all, with Misa curled up against his side, breathing easy and content. He'll lie wide-awake, staring at the ceiling, with only one thought, one person, on his mind. And no matter what he does, what he thinks, he can't forget the person and go back to sleep, because this insomnia is too reminiscent of the nights he'd go without sleep, working side by side with L, completely undisturbed.

He doesn't get it. He's not Raito anymore, so he shouldn't care for L. He's Kira, Kira the killer of criminals and purifier of the world. Kira, the one who smiled at L's death, the one who had been waiting and planning for _months_ on how to kill L, only to have it thankfully delivered by a Reaper in love with a human.

Because it was Raito who loved L and not Kira, and it was Raito who was L's friend and not Kira. It was Raito that knew killing people was wrong, even if they were evil, even if he did think Kira was had the right idea but was going about it all wrong. It was Raito who was all of that, not Kira.

But, even though Kira thought he had completely gotten rid of Raito, Raito was still there in the very back of his mind, even farther back L, whispering _"Yes, I loved him, but you loved him, too"_.

And he hates that the most. Because he knows it's true, no matter how much he doesn't want to admit it. So he'll beat himself up over it, cursing the fact that L _still_ has control over him, even in death.

But once he's done with that, the hate and anger and general loathing of everything, he'll lull himself to sleep with the thought of his perfect world; a world were there's no Raito or L or Misa, just himself and all the good people who Kira has judged and deemed worthy of living.

He'll finally and truly forget L, and he'll be at peace, and everything will be fine in his perfect world. It'll be just he and those deemed worthy, and everything will be fine. He'll be God of his world, and nothing will be wrong again.

He's finally able to drift to sleep with those thoughts, finally able to ignore L, even if it's just for a little. Because while L will haunt him all during the day, L will never be able to reach him in his dreams, because he is God in his dreams, he is God in his world, and L will never be there, because he is perfect and his world is only for those who are perfect, and L is not perfect.

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Wow... I haven't submitted anything to the Pit of Voles for a _long_. Well, this was my first (and probably last) Death Note fic, so tell me if it's OOC or anything. R&R, because feedback is great (also feel free to point out any errors). Especially constructive critism.


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